My Kaleidoscope Moment Happened When I Began to Value my Faith More than my Sexuality.

by Carjamin Scott on August 8, 2018, at 4:32 p.m. CST

The Kaleidoscope Project (TKP) was created by Rev. Shantell Hinton, assistant university chaplain and assistant director of religious life at Vanderbilt University.

“TKP is really just a way for us to share our stories and be apart of a beloved community of people who want to expand our vision as people of faith. It is my hope that it opens space for conversations that are not being held in church spaces enough and, as a result, helps people experience newfound freedom in their faith walks,” said Hinton.

I was interviewed by Rev. Hinton for TKP. The interview began with a simple question, “What was your kaleidoscope moment?”

The kaleidoscope moment question was addressed after I introduced myself, “Hi, I’m Carjie Scott, a wife, mom, and blogger at carjiescott.com.”

To address the kaleidoscope moment question, I had to reflect on what it took for me to become who I am today.

“My kaleidoscope moment happened when I began to value my faith more than my sexuality.” I responded.

Spring of 2012

In the Spring of 2012, I was young, dating, and single. I was in my mid-twenties and began to realize that my girlfriends could be categorized into groups: single no kids, single with kids, married, and married with kids. Because of how I was raised, I knew that I’d fall into the single no kids category and I had no problem with that.

In fact, if you want me to be honest, I was raised to believe that:

  • kids are a burden and I shouldn’t have any.
  • if I got married, it needs to be to someone with money.
  • if I got pregnant while single then I may as well put all my dreams on hold.
  • and men were only interested in two things, women and new women.

So, for a long time, I only entertained intimate relationships out of convenience and I would only get into relationships that I felt like I could control.

I wanted more from relationships.

One night, after talking to one guy on the phone and simultaneously texting another on my laptop, I got up, walked to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and said, “enough is enough.”

“No more wasting time entertaining people that I have no real connection with, no more pretending to be someone I’m not and then disappearing, no more leading great guys on that could probably be the perfect husband for someone else,” I said to the mirror.

“‘What’s in it for me?’, “What can I get out of this relationship?’ and ‘Does this person fit my dream guy list?'”

I decided to change my thinking of, “‘What’s in it for me?’, “What can I get out of this relationship?’ and ‘Does this person fit my dream guy list?'”

I made a conscious effort to tell myself everyday, “Critique yourself before you critique others and figure out what can you bring to the relationship besides your sexuality.”

What can I bring to the relationship?

Eventually that statement manifested to reveal how I needed to learn what I can bring to all relationships. My relationships became give and take. I began to love myself enough to know what I would and would not tolerate both personally and professionally.

The block, ignore, delete, and unfollow buttons became useful to me.

The block, ignore, delete, and unfollow buttons became useful to me.

Then, my real life and online social circle changed. I started becoming friends with women that were goal oriented, successful in their careers, and advocates for their community. My online social timelines changed, too. They became filled with of uplifting, motivational, and goal-oriented content.

I met great women who wanted to become wives and mothers or were already. These women were college educated, strong, independent, God fearing women who had dreams and desires to make a difference in the world.

I began attending local young professional organizations. I was invited to exclusive events. I was networking with the right people. I was becoming more involved with my community.

It was important for me to give in relationships and I quickly determined how to balance how much to give and how much to take.

It was important for me to give in relationships and I quickly determined how to balance how much to give and how much to take.

I finally realized that I had more to offer an intimate partner than my sexuality. I became more conservative with time and money in platonic relationships. I no longer allowed myself to be used by people that were my so-called, “friends.” I learned how and was able to provide more to my job than simply exceeding sales goals. Then, my relationship with God shifted.

My faith journey and new relationship with God.

Yes, even my relationship with Him was about wanting something or questioning why things had to happen the way that they did. I wanted answers about my mother’s death, my father’s issues, and having to be born into poverty.

It wasn’t until I took that look in the mirror and reflected on what I am supposed to be doing for others that I realized how even my relationship with God was all about what can God do for me.

All along, everything was supposed to have been about what I can do for Him.

All along, everything was supposed to have been about what I can do for Him.

The benefits of valuing my faith over my sexuality.

There have been so many benefits to valuing my faith over my sexuality that I can literally write a couple of books about it. God has been so incredible to me that you would not believe all of my testimonies about Him.

The opportunity to interview for the TKP would not have manifested if it wasn’t for me valuing my faith over my sexuality. I would not have the job I have, the life I live, the family I’ve got, or anything if I would’ve stayed on my path from years ago.

The recorded interview is slated to be available later this year. I was very vulnerable when I recorded it, sharing some intimate details that I hope will bless somebody.

Have you had your kaleidoscope moment?

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Carjamin Scott can be reached at carjamin.scott@gmail.com and you can follow her on twitter @scottcarjie.

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